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Jun 21, 2001

AMA Controlled By Shadow Council (Satire/Opinion By AOD-MOI)

SATIRE/OPINION

By Sam Fleming
Army Of Darkness/Ministry Of Information

"I can tell you from first-hand knowledge that at times something that Merrill would like to see happen is overruled by people higher up the ladder. Yet he has (to) swallow hard and adopt the policy as his own only to be vehemently criticized for a policy he doesn't even necessarily agree with himself." – AMA Media Relations Contractor Larry Lawrence 06-20-2001 10:36 a.m. EDT on the WERA BBS


Shadow Council Controls AMA

The dark corners of American road racing were illuminated today by industry insiders. Americans woke to the dawning of a new age when the news came that AMA Pro Racing Director of Competition Merrill Vanderslice has been forced to commit irrational and capricious acts in his own name all while being secretly controlled by the Shadow Council.

"That dry tires in the rain thing," Vanderslice gushed gratefully, "Even a 10-year-old could see that was stupid. No one in their right mind would send other sapient beings out into harm's way like that. But the Shadow Council had my family. There was really nothing I could do."

Another industry insider observed, "This explains a lot. What race official would schedule motorcycle races at tracks with concrete walls? I mean, besides Caligula."

"None of it was my fault." Vanderslice interjected, "The inconsistent rules enforcement. The fines. The bare concrete walls. I received my orders from their (Shadow Council) secret cave HQ in Ohio and I had to do as they said or they punished me. It feels so good to confess it all now. Do you really think that I would willingly fine someone $1500 for a non-functional wheel-speed sensor? Do you think I actually wanted to look like some sort of puritanical idiot by publicly chastising Mladin for his potty mouth? Of course not. It was the evil members of the Shadow Council. I am just their fall guy.

"Anyone who has ever tried to build a high performance motor knows that you have to make big changes to see even small improvements in power. You have to put in radically different cams, shave the head by 10/1000. I mean, big changes, the little stuff makes absolutely no difference at all. But this guy Chouinard, he was getting too close to the truth. We had to find some way to silence him. Those valves were all we needed. Larry (Lawrence) has been spoon-feeding the press so long that he can get you guys to believe anything."

Although much is still unknown about the inner workings of the machinery of this council, the financial dealings are slowly being revealed.

"It is all so obvious," Vanderslice continued, "I can't believe you people didn't figure it out sooner. $3,000,000 settlement? Does this ring any bells? Even a first-year law student would had to have known there was no way in hell the AMA was going to win that thing. They never intended to. It was all a way to move money out of the Association in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion."

More details on the AMA Shadow Council will be revealed as they are uncovered.